A R I A D N E / / K A P S A L I
Don’t be scared
I wrote a letter addressed to me, on a rainy January Thursday morning, sitting in a little cafe in North London, waiting for my coffee. I didn’t know I was writing a letter to myself. I was having one of the most intense periods of anxiety (ever) and had no idea how to bring myself back down to the ground. I’m normally pretty good at self soothing, but for some reason what go-to practices were just not getting me there. So, on that day, I felt as vulnerable as hell.
I grabbed my shattered phone (I had dropped in on concrete the week before) and started typing in the notes because for once I didn’t carry my notebook with me. I started writing and the words came pouring out. It was meant to be a test email to myself because I was having problems with receiving mail the past few days. But I wanted to write something nice. So I wrote, I love you. And I kept going. Don’t be scared. And more came out. You’ve got this. I started speaking to myself from the space in my heart where I knew my feelings, my current reality, are temporary. I began to tear up (embarrassing to do in a cafe, don’t recommend it) and at that point I realised how harsh I had been. It was as if a weight lifted off my body and I could breathe a little freer again. It’s true. I need to let go a little more. Every time you think you’re there, another path shows up and there is more work to be done. Self development work. Soul digging. It’s uncomfortable and I’ve really been resisting it, but I guess it’s time to face up to it.
Try out if you’re tempted. It is surprisingly liberating and absolving on some level.
Here’s the love letter I ended up writing to myself – unedited:
I love you. Don’t be scared. You’ve got this. You’re working on it. It’s scary as hell, I know. Let it go. You’re pushing and forcing and struggling and you’ve lost your centre. For what? For external validation, for the approval of others, for that gold star that never comes. You know this. Deep down you know it. You know that no matter how much you achieve, it will never be enough if you don’t accept yourself now. You can be the most successful and the richest person on earth but you will not see it because you’re waiting for that one more person to give you a pat on the back. Well, it’s not what you need anyway. You’re losing the battle because you’re fighting in the first place. It’s kindness, it’s gentleness, it’s ease that will move you forward. You’re freaking out because you’ve lost why you’re doing all of this in the first place. You’ve lost your centre and you’re looking outwards to feel grounded. Everything you need to feel better and to be better is within you. You know this. You’re already there, you don’t need to struggle. Sure there are practical shit to work out. Money, time, routine. Are these reasons to freak out about? Sure, if you want to miss out on everything else. Look where you are. What you already have. Who you’ve become. All you’ve achieved. Look back and connect the dots. It didn’t always make sense but you did it anyway because it felt right. Can you see? It’s not about what it looks like, it’s about how you feel and right now frankly you’re more concerned about the way it looks. Bring yourself back to you. I love you, you’re safe. You’re here. You’re doing this. Don’t know what ‘this’ is? That’s cool, you’re doing it anyway, because deep down you didn’t want it to be any other way. Sure when you’re down you feel jealous of those ‘more fortunate’, those who don’t have to worry about their rent, those who seem to just flow through life without a glitz. But on the days you’re connected to yourself, you know you’re exactly where you need to be. You know this is exactly what you need to learn to move forward. This is your choice, you created this reality and it’s not going to be any different until you realise this. You’ve got a lesson to absorb, pay attention. Love yourself, let go of the image in your head of what it should look like. Remember when you set out to do this? You asked for this exact freedom and you said, I’m willing to work this out. I’m willing to do what I need to do to do what I am pulled to do. Well, guess what? This is it. This is what comes with working it out. Are you still willing to do this? I know the answer for you is yes. Because otherwise you would have changed it already. There is no set way of how things should be done because you’re making it your way. You want to find your own path so how could you possibly predict exactly how it should be? Zoom out and see the bigger picture. You’re right in the middle of it and you’re getting your hands dirty. Breathe, relax and rest. Don’t fight any more. You’re good, you’re safe. And you can always ask for help and then take it. You don’t have to do this on your own.
Now go out and make some magic.
Love,
Me.
