A peek into my journal - Ariadne Kapsali

Oh these days have a special kinds of energy. Slowing down, clearing out, letting go.

If you read my recent post, these last few weeks of 2014 I’ve been drawn to stand back and go in. Take a soft, loving look on the inside and all the way through. Through meditation, contemplation, day dreaming and conversation, I’ve been working through big themes: goals, transitions, shifts, relationships, identity. There is a detailed post coming up in the next couple of weeks where I break down the past year, reflecting on these themes and sharing lessons I’ve learned in the past 12 months.

But before I move on to a big 2014 review, I feel pulled to share some of my raw reflection with you. My coach Megan (check her out, she is an ass-kicking sweetheart!) gave me a list of questions to answer as part of this digging deep journey. When I first read them, I got very excited at all the gems I would uncover, but the desire to push through blocks quickly subsided and gave way to overwhelm and her friend, procrastination. Often, when we know we are about to uncover something really great, something that will cause a major shift of gear, a change in energy, or something that will mean that our defences will no longer be desired, we shrink in fear. Actually, it is the ego that shrinks and shouts for us to keep safe. Don’t make trouble now, what do you want to go around digging for? The ego is just afraid that you will stop listening and so she shouts a little louder, bites a little harder. The result? We get distracted, or worse we are convinced that our fears are true. We stop in our tracks.

So distraction is what kept me away from answering questions that I knew would require me to dial down the excuses. Until something pulled me back in and drew me back out. Finally, I sat myself down with a cup of herbal tea, a few drops of Optimism in the burner, some relaxing tunes and I poured my heart out on my journal. I allowed myself to free-write, minus the judgement, minus the editor. I gave permission to myself to answer the questions as if it was my morning pages, in a stream of consciousness word vomit kind of way. Except it was not all verbal diarrhoea. It very quickly became clear that through this exercise I gained clarity, awareness and focus. I put things in perspective and I simply felt calm. I returned home.

I decided that I will share my answers to the first two questions I worked through. I am giving you a peek into my journal which at the time of writing was not meant to be seen by any other human being. The journal that I had to make my man promise he would not open, so I could feel safe to pour out what needed to be released. I am sharing because I feel this will somehow be useful to you. I am sharing in the hope that you will be inspired to put pen to paper and work through your own questions. I am sharing so you get to know me better. So please be nice, I’m feeling a bit exposed.

What do I want in my life?

I want space. Love. Commitment. Engagement. Success. Happiness. Balance. Bliss. Work. Energy. Connection.

I want to feel abundant. I want to feel safe and cared for by the Universe.

I want to trust that things will work out so that I go out and make things happen for myself.

I want a life that is full of smiles, belly laughs, flow, ups and downs.

I want presence. I want to feel fully there.

I want to have real relationships. Conversations. Fresh air. Creativity.

I want to help people do stuff. I want to feel important, to have purpose.

I want action. And spirituality.

I want to clear out the crap so I can access my inner self.

I want a dog. I want to feel my cycle. Changes in my body and know how to respond. I want to be able to hear my instincts, access my inner wisdom.

I want to make space for myself so I can be present for others. I want a life where I can serve others from a totally authentic and clear place.

I want to open my heart, so I can feel the good, the bad, the awesome.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.”

Oscar Wilde

What do I NOT want in my life?

Fear. Restriction. Limiting beliefs.

Addiction. Jealousy.

Limiting myself. Upper limit problems. Self sabotage.

Inauthenticity (is that a word?). Trying too hard. People pleasing.

Burnout. Pointless busy-ness.

Comfort zone living.

People who make me feel small. Those who are not in line with who I am and are not willing to accept difference.

Making decisions out of fear. Empty promises.

Goals without purpose.

Diets. Negativity. Layers of complication.

Now over to you.

If you feel inspired to dig deep, take a notepad and make yourself comfortable. Answer these two questions:

// What do I want in my life?

// What do I not want in my life?

// Summarise your 3 main learning points: what am I calling into my life in the New Year?

Just let yourself write freely and without criticism. Make a commitment not to show this to anyone, as this will reduce the mind’s tendency to filter and edit. Dream big. Don’t be realistic – just write what comes to mind. Don’t delete anything. Later on, when you look back on it you can take away what you think is helpful.

++ So lovelies, this is it. Share with me: thoughts, reflections, dreams, fears.

Share it out – you’ve got this!

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one and precious life?”

Mary Oliver

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