A R I A D N E / / K A P S A L I
little green note
A few days ago, as I was going through my organiser doing some weekly planning, I found a green piece of paper hiding in one of the side pockets. The ones that I rarely use and in which I store little notes of importance that seem too precious to throw away. I paused and unfolded it. The moment the text appeared I instantly recognised what it was. Up until then my mind was playing between the possibilities of it being something useless I couldn’t get myself to throw away because it was pretty, and something incredibly important that I obviously should not have left in there.
As I opened this tiny piece of paper, written in my own handwriting were the words “I am confident in myself”. My heart skipped a beat and I was reminded of the emotion I had when I wrote this down. I can visualise myself sitting on the mat that afternoon, on the first day of 2014, in the middle of an intentions workshop led by my teacher. Having sweated, meditated, sent my intentions out to the universe and waited for them to come back, my heart knew that my intention, my sankalpa, for this year is that I am confident in myself. It was crystal clear this came from my gut, and it was right. And now, realising it has been hidden and forgotten, I felt guilty. I felt guilty as if somehow I let myself down. That it is June and what do I have to show for it? How can I prove that I have been living my intention?! Where are all the changes I should have made?
This feeling of guilt, of disappointment, stayed with me. It stayed, because it struck a cord. A self critical, not good enough, perfectionistic cord, that probably plays a note (or two) in most of us. And then I took a breath. Closed my eyes. Stopped. Breathed again.
What came to me is the fact that not only have I not forgotten my sankalpa, but in fact I have lived and transformed and moulded it to something that I no longer need to remember. Something that resides in me. I now know that I am confident and also TRUST in myself. The intention was born out of the recognition that I’ve been so fearful of my ambitions, so terrified of putting myself out there that every single step, thought or dream falling out of my comfort zone seemed ridiculous. I stopped myself from dreaming outside the box, because, well I was in the box and the box is the place to be. When you live in the box, it is hard to imagine there is life on the outside.
The truth is I’ve known this for a while. And I’ve been challenging it. I’ve achieved lots of things that I’m truly proud of, but this story is for another time. However, finding this little green note reminded me not simply of my intention, but also the reasons for its existence in my life. And that was a bittersweet reminder.
What is confidence?
I Google-d confidence and self-confidence (I Google pretty much everything).
Confidence (noun) =
- a feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
- the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
- a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
While researching the definition of confidence, the concepts of arrogance, over-confidence and presumptuousness came up in my search early on. Although we place great importance in being confident in oneself, as evident in many psychosocial studies, it appears that we often mistake being confident for being arrogant. Which is usually the reason why we hold ourselves back. We refrain from speaking up for ourselves because we don’t want to seem over-confident. We doubt our beliefs and instincts if they don’t align with those of others. We seek external reassurance, rather than learning to cultivate faith in ourselves.
Self confidence, in fact, is an internal matter – it is focusing on a feeling, not an external result. It relates (but is not limited) to self esteem, self worth and self love. If we rely on others to feel confident, we end up exhausting ourselves trying to fit standards that may not relate to us. Developing confidence and trust in oneself is actually extremely liberating – self confidence opens the doors to choose how you want to act, live and feel.
If confidence was a yoga posture, it would be…
Tadasana (mountain pose)
Tadasana is a great, strong pose. It is having your feet, your roots, firmly in the ground, and your head towards the sky. It is a perfect balance of strength and release, of stability and ease. It is a powerful asana, one that teaches you that self confidence is not arrogance. It is standing tall, certain, calm, in the present. A mountain is not concerned with change; it knows that change is inevitable. Nor is it phased by bad weather; it adjusts, transforms and patiently waits for spring. Knowing how to stand, day by day, in the face of all weather, to me really portrays confidence. And when I need an extra boost, I take a few healing, deep breaths with my palms touching in front of the heart centre. It really does the trick!
How to practice Tadasana:
- Stand with your feet hip distance apart and your arms by your side fingers extended, palms pointing slightly out. Press your feet into the ground, and feel ALL the muscles of your legs working. Bend and straighten your knees a few times to ensure they are not locked.
- Feel the extension of your spine upwards, as you encourage your belly button and your pubic bone towards each other (this engages your belly and keeps your upper body supported).
- Imagine yourself as tall as a mountain. Soften your shoulders and your neck.
- Smile & breathe.
And now a quarter of the year has passed. And even though my cynical brain does not want to believe in such things, my heart tells me that I was meant to find my sankalpa. I was meant to go through this process, so I can get to the place where I am now. My sankalpa became a mantra, a phrase of psychological and spiritual importance to me. It has taken immense confidence in myself, immense trust and, some serious balls to start a website to share my thoughts and mission with the world through this blog. Why? Because it is totally and utterly outside my zone of comfort and it is damn scary. And every day I’ve spent creating this website (yes, I made it all myself from scratch, super proud!), I’ve had to whisper, mumble and shout to my internal critic: I am confident in myself! I can do it and it is worth it. I love what I do and it is worth sharing with others. I’ve meditated on it, over and over again. I’ve passed it on in my yoga classes, my choices and my relationships. And time and time again, when I’ve felt the familiar jerk of self doubt, it has been this gentle, yet powerful reminder that I trust in me which has given me the strength to jump over piles of negative thinking and keep on going.
So here I am – putting myself out there, fully and wholeheartedly. Hoping that my experiences can reach out to and inspire others to look inside, question, challenge, enjoy.
3 essentials to take away:
- A sankalpa is a tiny seed of intention, planted in the heart and nurtured until it grows into its own beautiful self. It needs intellect, emotion and action in order to grow.
- Everyone has an internal critic who, if allowed to roam free, will rule your life and keep holding you back. Dare to challenge, or even ignore the critic and see what happens.
- Your gut knows – really, really knows – what you need. Learn to listen a little bit more.
And now, over to you. Does any of this resonate with you? Has your internal critic been holding you back? What intention can you cultivate today to support you?
