A R I A D N E / / K A P S A L I
I want to let you in on a little secret. I have no idea what’s happening (lately). I feel ungrounded, I have minimal motivation to complete tasks. I am confused. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life.
I am turning 33 this year. For the first time I feel the pull of time (thankfully not in my breasts for now). That pull I should be somewhere further down the line. Where though? Where the hell should I be? Last night my man asked, if everything was settled in our lives (yeah right) and we were good financially, whether I would want to have a child right now. We have discussed kids plenty of times. I mean, how can you not? Kids have always been in the horizon. But so has moving to this X country, where we will be close to nature (man wants mountains, I want the sea, so has to be both), where we have space, where the weather is warm and sunny and life is more than work and money and traffic and getting by. So has travelling in Asia, finally getting to South America and Australia and Canada. So has learning each other’s languages. And studying more. The life we will have in the horizon has always been full of potential.
I wonder, when will I start to step into this life of ours? And, do I want all of this? Having a dog has been one of those things on the horizon and it’s really made me think about the ideals vs the reality. How do you know the difference between what you really want and what you are so used to thinking you need to have? It’s confusing. It really is.
My life is going through a major identity crisis.
My work: majorly shifting away from teaching and more into coaching yet I’m still defining how I want to work with people.
My relationship: constant re-negotiation of desires, plans, compromise and intentional decision making.
Puppy: the last couple of days she’s restless, she’s chewing the coffee table and she’s looking at me as if she’s asking: Is that all there is?
And I can’t help but ask myself this same question: Is that all there is? Change is damn hard by itself, but when you couple it with uncertainty of what you want, hello intense self doubt and again, I’m confused.
I’m working all of this out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m good – I actually feel ok about it all. But I am confused AF. Because I am not used to not knowing what I want and also because my head tells me you should have worked all of this out by now. You know what? You’re not meant to like the transition – of course NOT. Why should you enjoy the unshaky foundation underneath you when you seem to have lost your way? Why should you not panic at the realisation that life is now. Not tomorrow, not next year, not in the horizon – but NOW. And that you have freaking created whatever reality you’re living in right now for yourself, for you to deal with, enjoy, or face. But know, you have created it, whether you’re in a mess or exactly where you planned to be.
It’s ok if you’re freaking out about not knowing what you want.
It’s ok if you’re confused and not sure where you’re going next.
It’s ok if you think you have made a mistake. (You haven’t. And you can deal with it.)
It’s ok if you are going through a period of dissatisfaction with the state of the world and your life and nothing is enough to take you out of it.
It’s ok if you keep changing your mind and don’t seem to be capable of making any decisions at all.
It’s ok if you feel sad, alone, hurt or lost. And it’s ok that you don’t like feeling like that.
You’re not supposed to like this phase. But just remember it is a phase. Don’t fight it. If you’re numbing your feelings somehow, that’s ok too, but know that they will still be there for you to face eventually. The annoying thing is you cannot hide from this reality. So if you don’t know what you’re doing, give yourself space for things to unfold and unfurl. Maybe circumstances will not evolve as you had visualised in your Big Life Plan. Maybe you have taken a turn at some point and you’ll need to give yourself more time to find your way back. Or maybe there is no way back because you have changed now. You have grown, you’re learning and you’re finding different things make you happy. Would you rather keep pushing for a life that no longer fits just because that has been your plan? Or would you prefer to do the work, get honest with yourself and make some changes?
Either way. If you’re confused, you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going or what your purpose is in this life, there is a reason for that. Breathe. Place your foot on the brake and keep it there. Fear will tell you, you have no time for experiments, but space and less pressure is what you truly need to figure yourself out. Play more. Resist the urge to make final decisions. Most of the time we don’t know where we’re really going anyway. We just follow nudges of our intuition and hope for the best. Sometimes it feels like we’re on the right path and others it feels like we have taken a massive detour. But you can only connect the dots looking backwards, right? (thanks for that golden nugget, Steve Jobs) So relax. It will pass.
I know I manifested the (relative) mess I am in now. Because I have more work to do, to know myself even deeper, to figure out my limits, to take it to the next level. Because I know in my core I want more and I know the next phase of my life is BIG. I don’t know exactly what’s in it, but I’m curious to see how it evolves, step by step, dream by dream.
You’re not alone. We are all looking for an answer out there.
In soul-searching solidarity x